Annesha

I am hurt.

To be honest, I think this has been the first time that my feelings have been hurt and I've realized the close to "true" meaning behind it. Said otherwise, most times my feelings are hurt, I think about how it makes me feel initially. It usually takes me a while to see how the experience is teaching me about how I've made others feel.

Annesha is a 17-year old young lady who lives in the Bronx with her 4 brothers and sisters. They recently went through a very rough tragedy (depending on how one view's tragedy). Anyway, in a short time I formed close relationships with them, perhaps her the closest.

I am hurt because she's barely spoke to me in these past 2 weeks.

It's not a personal, "why didn't you call me" kind of hurt, but it bothers me not knowing how they are doing. (I have this tendency to take on kids that aren't mine, another part of myself that I haven't quite worked out the root of.) I think I've dreamt of them every night this week. It's usually the same thing over and over again: me talking to her about why she hasn't contacted me and laying out the importance of doing so.

Funny thing is that her and my behaviors in the past/present almost are mirroring. I have been known to break contact with loved ones for no apparent reason, often times sporadically and without particular pattern. I've known I've had this behavior for almost forever, but I never truly understood why I did it or how to control it. It just sort of "happens", and now experiencing it on the "receiver's end", I think it's something I would like to change about myself.

But I do see and did see initially that my hurt was nothing more than my inability to accept the behavior in myself. My asking Annesha these questions in my dreams was me asking myself. The way that I mirror the two eldest is pretty uncanny, and I'm thankful for what they've taught me thus far.

adun