test

test

nothin

grippin grapplin staggerin what's happenin
sweaty back against the wall
i fall
then he grabs again
dullz my skull with his canister
i hit the banister in a rancid blur
down the stairs into chairs
thinkin, how can this occur

i splash the mud w/ a thud
eyes dressed in blood
thighs blessed with crud
why's stressed in floods

my chest undressed protests the black glove
my voice stressed distressed molests skies above
acquiesced, my heart arrests suppressed by push shoves

none

mommy just paid bail
daddy just made bail
auntie trust they'd fail
daddy just stayed jail while
mommy lust made males
who smoked that shit
& told tall tales
her face they'd hit
lip split, teeth grit
she hit the subway floor
her eyes swole like a mole's
reachin for the door


while mourners bent corners
not too many foreigners
just the coroner in the corrider
ashley and mrs. Warriner
lookin at the slaughterer
through eyes cupped in water
i stood her eldest daughter
filled with hellfire & mortar

...

riffin & rattlin
battlin peep the pattern
when
i'm treated like cattle
and ridden without a saddle
then
she tells me don't tattle
when he straddlin my Madeline
not to squiggle or squirm
when he bout to stick his paddle in
in my room under the moon she tellin me
-that'll end
lookin at the balloon in my womb
-that'll mend
caught in the swoon of this goon
-that'll send
my heart from my belly to its tomb
-that'll lend
this buffoon enough room to excite
his addle friend...

Annesha

I am hurt.

To be honest, I think this has been the first time that my feelings have been hurt and I've realized the close to "true" meaning behind it. Said otherwise, most times my feelings are hurt, I think about how it makes me feel initially. It usually takes me a while to see how the experience is teaching me about how I've made others feel.

Annesha is a 17-year old young lady who lives in the Bronx with her 4 brothers and sisters. They recently went through a very rough tragedy (depending on how one view's tragedy). Anyway, in a short time I formed close relationships with them, perhaps her the closest.

I am hurt because she's barely spoke to me in these past 2 weeks.

It's not a personal, "why didn't you call me" kind of hurt, but it bothers me not knowing how they are doing. (I have this tendency to take on kids that aren't mine, another part of myself that I haven't quite worked out the root of.) I think I've dreamt of them every night this week. It's usually the same thing over and over again: me talking to her about why she hasn't contacted me and laying out the importance of doing so.

Funny thing is that her and my behaviors in the past/present almost are mirroring. I have been known to break contact with loved ones for no apparent reason, often times sporadically and without particular pattern. I've known I've had this behavior for almost forever, but I never truly understood why I did it or how to control it. It just sort of "happens", and now experiencing it on the "receiver's end", I think it's something I would like to change about myself.

But I do see and did see initially that my hurt was nothing more than my inability to accept the behavior in myself. My asking Annesha these questions in my dreams was me asking myself. The way that I mirror the two eldest is pretty uncanny, and I'm thankful for what they've taught me thus far.

adun